4.2 Practice self-regulation skills

It is time to refresh your self-regulation skills. When possible, try doing one or more exercises that you think would benefit you in the long-term and which helps in achieving your goals and values. See below for a repetition of the exercises given in Module 3:

Diary: The Awakening of My Desires

Next time you notice a desire arising, note the situation down in your diary (see form below). Describe how that feels in your body. Where do your thoughts and attention shift to? Recognizing these feelings and factors allows you to decide how you want to react.

Recognize the sensations in your body brought about by the feelings.
Take note of the desires, thoughts, and ideas of what you want to do.
Stop for a moment. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: “is this bringing me into the direction I want to be moving in my life?”
Be honest in your response to yourself. You can now choose to move in the direction that you respect yourself. Or you can decide to go in the other direction. The choice and responsibility are yours.

Diary example:

Date:
Bodily sensations:

Where in my body can I feel the awakening of desire?
How does it feel?

Actions:

What am I tempted to do?
How am I tempted to act?

Thoughts:

Where do my thoughts shift to?

Values:

Does this take me towards the life I want to lead?

Surfing on an urge – a hard candy

With this exercise, you can practice your ability to regulate yourself and manage your strong urges by ‘surfing’ on them. It is best to begin practicing with something concrete.

Imagine having a hard candy in your mouth and that you are being instructed not to chew it. For many people, such a seemingly simple task can be incredibly difficult and the impulse to chew the candy can be overwhelming. But as with all our impulses, it is possible to ‘surf on the urge” by becoming more aware of our reactions and handling them in a different way. See below for exercises that can help you manage your impulses.

Recognize your urges:

Notice how they are awakened

Observe without judgement:

How does it feel?
Where do you feel it?
What mental images are accompanied with the desire?
What does your mind and body want to do now?
Make note of these things. Do not get caught up in them and do not try to change them. Just let them happen and observe them without judging them.

Breathe:

Give yourself and your body some space to process the urge
Breathing calmly helps calm down your body and mind.

Mindful presence:

First – stop for a moment – pause whatever you are doing. Now focus on your visual impressions. Look around and note three things you can see. Take in what you see – maybe it’s colors, shadows, details.
Then, focus on your hearing. Listen carefully and note three sounds you can hear.
Finally, turn your attention to your sense of touch, noting three sensations around the surface of your body. For example, contact with the ground, clothes, body parts and so on.

Stop, think, act:

Stop: Wherever you are and whatever is happening around you, stop and pause.
Think: Figure out what to do next. What leads to the best possible outcome?
Act: After you thought it through, act in a way that is in line with your values and help you achieve the best possible outcome.

Surf on the urge:

You can imagine surfing on the desire as though you would be surfing on a wave.
You can start by assessing the intensity of your desire on a scale of 0 – 10.
After that you can observe what this makes you feel and how the desire moves in your body.
Do not try to push it down.
You can reassess the intensity every few minutes and pay attention to how the desire develops.

Desires

Many people find that the urge to use CSAM strengthens a lot in the beginning. With time, however, it often decreases significantly. What do you notice happening? For example: “even strong desires ease up. I do not need to act upon my urges. I can manage even though the urge is strong.” What kinds of conclusions can you draw based on your findings?

Combine this exercise with your own values: what reaction to this urge would be in line with your values and the life you want to lead?

Practice

You can practice this safe surfing on desire wherever you want.

For example, in the grocery store: you have decided to eat healthy, but while you are grocery shopping you begin to crave chips and beer. In those moments you can try to surf on the desires and look at what happens. Just let it be and pay attention to it for a while.

Surfing on desire is a skill that requires patience and practice. It can be difficult at first, like any other new skill that you are trying to learn.