3.2 Self-regulation skills

The urge to use CSAM can arise in various situations, for example, when you are tired, stressed, lonely, or sad.
Giving in to your sexual urges often helps you feel better and/or creates pleasure in the short term. Using CSAM is, however, very harmful and can lead to serious negative consequences in your life and is extremely harmful to the children who are victims of CSAM. Thus, giving in to your desire to use CSAM is harmful in the long run.

Learn self-regulation skills

In order for you to learn how not to give in to your desires, this task will help you to develop self-regulation skills.

The underlying reasons for your desires are often difficult to identify. To strengthen your self-regulation skills, it is important that you understand where your desires come from.

Diary: The Awakening of My Desires

Next time you notice a desire arising, note the situation down in your diary (see form below). Describe how that feels in your body. Where do your thoughts and attention shift to? Recognizing these feelings and factors allows you to decide how you want to react.

Recognize the sensations in your body brought about by the feelings.
Take note of the desires, thoughts, and ideas of what you want to do.
Stop for a moment. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself: “is this bringing me into the direction I want to be moving in my life?”
Be honest in your response to yourself. You can now choose to move in the direction that you yourself respect. Or you can decide to go in the other direction. The choice and responsibility are yours.

Diary example:

Date:
Bodily sensations:

Where in my body can I feel the awakening of desire?
How does it feel?

Actions:

What am I tempted to do?
How am I tempted to act?

Thoughts:

Where do my thoughts shift to?

Values:

Does this take me towards the life I want to lead?

Surfing on an urge – a hard candy

With this exercise, you can practice your ability to regulate yourself and manage your strong urges by ‘surfing’ on them. It is best to begin practicing with something concrete.

Imagine having a hard candy in your mouth and that you are being instructed not to chew it. For many people, such a seemingly simple task can be incredibly difficult and the impulse to chew the candy can be overwhelming. But as with all our impulses, it is possible to ‘surf on the urge” by becoming more aware of our reactions and handling them in a different way. See below for exercises that can help you manage your impulses.

Recognize your urges:

Notice how they are awakened

Observe without judgement:

How does it feel?
Where do you feel it?
What mental images or fantasies are accompanied with the urge?
What does your mind and body want to do now?
Make note of these things. Do not get caught up in them and do not try to change them.
Just let them happen and observe them without judging them.

Breathe:

Give yourself and your body some space to process the urge
Breathing calmly helps calm down your body and mind

Mindful presence:

First – stop for a moment – pause whatever you are doing.
Now focus on your visual impressions. Look around and note three things you can see. Take in what you see – maybe it’s colors, shadows, details.
Then, focus on your hearing. Listen carefully and note three sounds you can hear.
Finally, turn your attention to your sense of touch, noting three sensations around the surface of your body. For example, the contact with the ground, clothes, body parts and so on.

Stop, think, act:

Stop: Wherever you are and whatever is happening around you, stop and pause
Think: Figure out what to do next. What leads to the best possible outcome?
Act: After you thought it through, act in a way that is in line with your values and helps you achieve the best possible outcome

Surf on the urge:

You can imagine surfing on the urge as if you were surfing on a wave
You can start by assessing the intensity of your urge on a scale of 0 – 10
After that you can observe what this makes you feel and how the urge moves in your body
Do not try to push it down
You can reassess the intensity every few minutes and pay attention to how the urge develops

Urges

Many people find that the urge strengthens a lot in the beginning. With time, however, it often decreases significantly. What do you notice happening? For example: “even strong desires ease up. I do not need to act upon my urges. I can manage even though the urge is strong”. What kinds of conclusions can you draw based on your findings?

Combine this exercise with your own values: what reaction to this urge would be in line with your values and the life you want to lead?

You can practice this safe surfing on urges wherever you want.

For example, in the grocery store: you have decided to eat healthy, but while you are grocery shopping you begin to crave chips and beer. In those moments you can try to surf on the urges and look at what happens. Just let it be and pay attention to it for a while.

Surfing on urge is a skill that requires patience and practice. It can be difficult at first, like any other new skill that you are trying to learn.

Remember

Practicing your skills in regulating your urges will help you to keep on developing the skills that can help you to stop the use of CSAM. Over time, you will expand your behavioral repertoire and will likely feel more confident in your decision-making abilities in different situations.